I love Stargate, but I will not be reviewing it like I have for other science fiction shows because as much fun as Stargate is to watch, the premise is completely implausible because there is no coherent explanation in the plot for why all humans and aliens in several galaxies all inexplicably speak English.

This is a show stopping technical problem for me because unlike the occasional science glitch on, say, Star Trek, this technical problem undermines the entire premise of the whole show and conceptually ruins nearly every episode unless you decide not to care. I can suspend disbelief on a lot of things, but I feel like this gaffe is a profound insult to the audience and I'm surprised there are not more people as outraged by it as I am. As such, even though part of me would love to write reviews of Stargate, I can't take the show seriously when the writers can't seem to take the premise of their own show seriously.

Is it really a technical problem to begin with that everyone inexplicably speaks English?

Some of you reading this may be skeptical. This can't even be true, you're thinking. You're saying to yourself the writers couldn't have missed something this obvious. Thus I must have missed something, right? Nope, I'm afraid not. I love Stargate. I'm a big fan. So I have tried to rationalize this problem away many times, coming up with convoluted explanation after convoluted explanation, but frankly, it just cannot be done. Allow me to walk you through the most reasonable rationalizations I've come up with myself and those I've heard from other fans and explain to you why none of them are satisfactory.

Rationalization #1: They don't speak English. The show translates for us rather than showing subtitles.

This explanation fails because there are too many episodes which depict our brave heroes making first contact with a brand new culture in which communication is urgent, instant, and readily accomplished. In such episodes, usually the moment they step out of the gate instant communication is required because they are under attack or in some other similar sort of peril. Our heroes chat with the new contacts in plain American English and there are no problems whatsoever. This also rules out any sort of explanation involving Daniel, Teal'c, Teyla, etc acting as a translator off screen.

Rationalization #2: The Stargate embeds some sort of universal translator device in its travelers, like on Star Trek.

If this actually was the case, then why can't O'Neill understand Russian now? Or Goa'uld? Or the Asgard language? There's no reason the Ancients would design such a faulty universal translator and there's no reason why it would automatically translate some human languages but not others. More importantly, if this is what's going on then why has nobody on screen ever mentioned any kind of universal translator supplied by the gate? You'd figure at the very least Daniel would be giddily fascinated by such a technology and study it in great detail, making references to it in dialog constantly. In short, there are just too many logical problems for this explanation to be entirely plausible.

Rationalization #3: The Stargate team inadvertently seeded English to the Milky Way by traveling back in time to ancient Egypt and teaching the locals English in the episode Moebius.

Clever, but no. This rationalization has plenty of holes by itself just considering the Milky Way, but even if I let all those go, there's absolutely no way it could account for the alien cultures which speak English in other galaxies, such as Pegasus.

Rationalization #4: A mechanism in the gate teaches travelers a common language, Ancientese. It doesn't work properly on all gates due to lack of maintenance, accounting for the observed seemingly arbitrary linguistic shifts and is not mentioned on the show because it is considered common knowledge.

Very clever, but no. Lack of maintenance doesn't really explain the linguistic shift scenarios such as the Jaffa and Goa'uld randomly switching between Goa'uld and "Ancientese." Surely they've all traveled through at least one gate with a working mechanism and should be fully fluent in "Ancientese." I suppose a conscious choice could be made to use one language over another, but then there's no mention of that whatsoever. On top of that, never mentioning this "Ancientese" mechanism at all because it's "taken for granted" is not acceptable. Someone would most certainly mention this. There are plenty of moments in season 1 of SG1 or the pilot where it surely would have been mentioned by at least Daniel if this were the case. Also, if the gate teaches everyone the Ancients' language, why is the Ancient language then constantly depicted as a distinctly separate language that nobody but Daniel (and a few others) can understand? Why would the Ancients' gate mechanism teach every gate traveller a distinctly different language than the one they used for everything else? There are just too many holes for this scenario to be entirely plausible as well.

Rationalization #5: It's just a TV show, and they lack the time to have Daniel Jackson translate each new alien language during each episode.

This doesn't even really count as a rationalization because it's just an excuse for ignoring the problem. Sadly, it's the excuse the producers have used. According to them, "it's a sacrifice [they need to] make in order to tell a new story on a new planet every week, and actually have alien characters who someone can understand." This statement is irritating for a number of reasons. Firstly, other science fiction shows don't need to make that sacrifice to tell new and compelling stories each week. Strictly speaking, Stargate could have simply gone the universal translator route from the beginning by being more careful with the writing and making sure to take into account the significant implications of such a technology. Not doing so was a lazy decision.

On top of that, the above quote also implies that telling a new story on a new planet every week is some sort of mandate. Why? The very idea of spending only a day or two exploring a new planet, each with its own unique culture splintered off and isolated from Earth from different countries in different time periods merits far more than the glossed over excuse for exploration than the Stargate franchise allows. Strictly speaking, they should have spent several multi-episode arcs at each planet they visited studying their culture(s) and language(s), instead of doing Star Trek style "planet of the week" exploration. In addition to helping to fix the language problem, it would have allowed better, more fleshed out stories to be told over the course of a season, reducing filler, and making the story more captivating.

As a result of this mindset among Stargate's writers, the show is high on filler, low on long term plot advancement, and the premise doesn't really make sense. Golly then, why would anyone want to watch such a show? Well, because it's just so damn charming, that's why. Bloody charming. Hypnotic even. You sit, you stare, you don't much care that things don't much make sense because guns are firing, the special effects are pretty, the character writing is superb, and the jokes are funny. It really is a shame that the producers decided to insult the intelligence of science fiction fans everywhere by being lazy with the premise. So, as much as a fan I am, I have to let Stargate go. Part of me celebrated when SG1 and Atlantis were canceled. That part of me also wants to see the rest of the franchise fizzle away and die as quickly as possible as well in the hopes that something better takes its place.

And there you have it folks. That's why I won't review Stargate. I refuse to ignore this fundamental problem with its premise so I can blindly praise the many other things the show hasn't screwed up horribly and in most cases in fact has done exceptionally well. I simply cannot stand on a house of cards, no matter how pretty it is.